The pressure to always appear/be happy.

World happiness day.....more pressure?

Hello Everyone,

I have to admit I am feeling extremely tired today. What with decorating to get this house ready to go to market, the practice, my job and starting a new creative business, the cogs are not whirring on full speed! But I wanted to write something! I hope you will read with kindness!

It is world happiness Day, as you probably know and the ‘World Happiness Report’ is out, if you are interested, you can find it, here.

So it is another marking it day, like Valentines day, mental health day, national day for hot cross buns (yes that is actually a thing here in the UK, celebrated in September, instead of Easter in April, no known reason! Not that I can find anyway) and all of those. There are soooooo many. I know that many people get annoyed about it. I personally use these days to reflect, well maybe not on hot cross buns, but some others! I do really like hot cross buns though, moving on!

Happiness is a big thing to reflect on. As you may know I live in the UK. And the UK has fallen in the world happiness ratings, ranking 24th, according to today’s report. There is so much sadness, desperation, war, death, despair, greed, manipulation, lies and craziness in the world right now. And it feels like the volume is turned way up on all that.

And yet, the pressure is on to always be happy. To post happy pictures, to post amazing things we are doing. It is so much pressure when actually, part of being human, is to suffer and not feel happy. To experience a whole host of emotions other than happiness.

Photo by Олег Мороз on Unsplash

Here in the UK, we have this ridiculous way of greeting each other. You meet someone, you ask them how they are, and they say ‘fine thanks, you?’ and then you respond by saying ‘thank you, yes I am fine’. But during those exchanges, how many times are we actually not fine? Most, probably. Mostly we have some shit going on that is not great. It is unwritten rule that you never say it, because if you do, then the person receiving the information does not know what to say, generally. They are dismissive, with some such bland remark like, oh it will be fine, don’t worry. Not everyone, of course, but in general. It is not always coming from a bad place, but from a place of not knowing how to respond to this unexpected response.

Societal pressure, to be ok, happy, all the time, is real. So when we are not happy, when shit is happening and we feel rubbish, we keep it secret. We keep it to ourselves. And then that effects our mental health. Not everyone, has friends who they can confide in and feel safe. We need that safe space, don’t we, to be able to talk about our woes?

In a world where people are bragging about all their success, making so much noise about it, it becomes even more difficult to manage our distress, if that is not currently our story. And actually, that bragging is often just a front for that person not doing so well and also being too scared to share that.

A podcast by

Joanne Pearce

about the 5 important qualities/words to use to be a success in business really struck a chord with me. In particular, the word ‘humility’. Because not everyone is doing well and it can be hard to hear when someone is saying how utterly successful they are because it makes us feel a failure. Of course, I wish anyone who is doing well, all success and happiness, but do have a thought for how that is received by those, not doing so well, currently.

I particularly feel this living where I do right now. I live in a rural village, where everyone is very judgemental and dine out on people’s difficulties. I have had a difficult couple of years, but no-one here, has any idea.

Then there is the other extreme. I hear ‘it is ok, not to be ok’ soooo much. I understand this is intended to help. However, how many of us feel it is ok not to be ok? We want to feel ok! We feel we should be ok, all the time, or we are failure of some sort. Our brain want’s us to feel ok. Our brain knows we function better when we are ok. You could think of our brain as a banking system. When we are in the black, so sleeping well, eating well, exercising, resting and feel fulfilled, our brain can balance the books of energy in and out.

But when we are in the red, wellness wise, that might come from difficult times, our brain is running in the red and is desperately trying to get back into the black. That is when our evolutionary brain, that is not designed for the current time, gets tricky to navigate. It starts to throw out ‘suggestions’ that can be really unhelpful. Suggestions that often start with ‘what if’s’ (worry). We can get tricked into viewing this as a problem solving attempt, but it is not. It tricks us to being on alert for a threat, that is actually, often, a hypothetical threat.

With cortisol and adrenaline running (fight or flight activated nervous system) so we make decisions based on short term ways to feel better. Our self-critic can become activated, stepping into help, but usually it is less than helpful. Some will use drugs or alcohol to feel more soothed. But this of course, does not work long-term.

We can’t help our tricky brains. You could think of it, as not being your fault. When we are in distress, all our worst fears about ourselves feel real. The fears of not being good enough, an imposter, unlikeable and so on.

However, we can take charge of our tricky brain and outwit it. We can do things, even small things that do bring us peace, even if just for a moment. We can then build on those moments. And the moments become longer. The feeling safe and ok, grow.

You maybe thinking, how? right? Many of us know that if we watch a comedy, immerse ourselves in a boxset, go for a walk, cuddle our furry friend, yoga, colouring, starting a new hobby or rekindling an old one, paint just for yourself starts us back down the road of feeling soothed and safe. We just need to find our thing. But to set a realistic expectation, that it may not solve the current crisis, but we deserve a reprieve from it, just for a while.

For me, I pick up my calligraphy pen, or I colour, cuddle my setter, watch Vicar of Dibley or some other feel good sitcom from the past, put on some music (loudly), my nervous system calms. Even if it temporary, it is ok.

Coming back to my reflection of world happiness day. Whilst we all like being happy, it is not possible to have this all the time. I think we have ‘levels’ of happiness as well. It is not normal for humans to always feel happy and knowing and accepting this, could it take the pressure off? I think that if we can move towards acceptance of the ‘non-happy’ moments, knowing it normal and will not last forever, we actually can feel more safe, more content.

And maybe next time, someone says they are ok, a bit of curiosity to find out if that is actually the case might make their day, to feel heard. To feel heard, in a way where their distress is acknowledged with kindness and held safely, not dismissed or minimised. We often feel the need to fix others problems, but actually, listening, really listening and not trying to fix, is a fix.

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With all warm wishes,

Jane

Accredited Cognitive Psychotherapist

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT), Mindfulness & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

➡️If you would like to work with me on a 1:1 basis you can contact me at: mail@janewatkinscbt.co.uk

🛜 find me on my website, here

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