Monday Morning Reset: 12th May 2025
"I was only joking". When humour is misused.
“What lies in our power to do, lies in our power not to do.” Aristotle.
We all experience thoughts that cause us anxiety, from time to time, it’s part of being human. I think, part of the art of being human, is finding tools to manage the anxiety that these thoughts can produce. We may need different tools at different times. Each Monday, we will be tooling up!
Good morning everyone,
Another Monday has begun!
This week I am talking about humour. We all love to laugh and have a joke. However this is not what this is about this week. This is about the times when you come away from a conversation and feel hurt, misunderstood, bullied, ashamed, embarrassed………the list goes on.
And the perpetrator, walks away all puffed up feeling great about themselves and what they have done. Often leaving, along with the rest of the group agreeing and laughing at you too. So we can add feeling abandoned, left out, stupid….I am sure you know what I am talking about. Because when in a group setting, often the rest of the group will side with the perpetrator so they protect themselves from the same treatment.
Remind you of something? Yes, being back in High School! It is a form of bullying to my mind. A form of bullying that has been made socially acceptable by saying “I was only joking”. Four words, when used in that order, often infuriate me. Then comes the next part, one of my particular hates, “oh you have no sense of humour” or “lighten up” and such comments.
For the recipient it can feel like a bit of a “mind f***” as well. If the recipient feels hurt and everyone else is laughing at them, well, it is going to mess with your mind, isn’t it?
One of the most common forms of mean-spirited humour is sarcasm. On the surface, it may seem witty or clever, but it often conveys disdain or ridicule under a socially acceptable umbrella. People use sarcasm to undermine others, especially when they are uncomfortable expressing criticism directly. Similarly, "teasing" can become a way to highlight someone’s insecurities or differences under the guise of affection. While some teasing may be well-intentioned and mutual, it often crosses a line—especially when one person isn’t laughing.
I can think of countless times this happens to me, where I am the butt of the joke and I feel hurt with everyone else laughing in my face and criticising me for having no sense of humour. I never use humour to hurt. I will tell jokes, but they are not about the person in front of me or at my own expense.
This brings me to the next part of this. There is another way we can use humour that hurts us. When we make fun of ourselves to others. Self-deprecating humour can be disarming, relatable, and even charming. It’s often used to show humility, to connect with others, or to lighten a tense moment. But when someone constantly makes themselves the punchline, it can reveal something deeper and more painful beneath the surface. What may seem like innocent self-mockery is sometimes a way to express hidden shame, low self-worth, or to pre-empt criticism before anyone else has a chance to deliver it.
People who frequently joke about their appearance, intelligence, or failures often do so to protect themselves. They can think that if they say it first, it hurts less when someone else does. In my experience, it hurts even more when someone says “oh yeah, you are so fat you probably need two airline seats”. And then the group laugh. The person being laughed at is not going to feel better in any way, shape or form. I use this example as I actually witnessed this thoughtless, hurtful attack (I did address it). And it is an attack. It is bullying, not humour. All it does is reinforce the fears that person has about themselves. Amongst a whole lot of other harmful processes that I do not have room to write about here.
One of the other things that can happen from self-deprecating humour is that the others in the group do not recognise these statements people are making about themselves can come from a place of intense internal pain. If someone has cut their finger, you are not going to hit it with a hammer are you? Well in this situation, in effect, that is what is happening.
I have used this image of a child being bullied as we tend to identify, want to understand, want to protect when it is a child. However, remember, that the adult in front of you, may have been bullied from childhood as well and this type of use of humour is re-traumatising. Even if they have not been bullied in the past, an adult still feels everything you can see in this picture.
I think many people have learned and think that this kind of bullying and is socially acceptable. And may not even realise what they are doing or think of it as bullying. Others may have different intent of course.
But as Aristotle says above, what lies in our power to do, lies in our power not to do.
I would love to hear what you think about this article. What is your opinion? Do you have a personal experience you feel ok to share?
I would also ask if you would consider sharing this article to get more people thinking? I think it is our responsibility as humans, to talk about difficult things, to become more aware and to grow.
I do wish you all a great week.
With all kind wishes
Jane
Accredited Cognitive Psychotherapist
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT), Mindfulness & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
➡️If you would like to work with me on a 1:1 basis you can contact me at: mail@janewatkinscbt.co.uk
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