Monday reset : 24th March 2025
COMPARISON: why do we feel compelled to do it when it can make us so miserable and hate ourselves?
"Nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable."— William Shakespeare
We all experience thoughts that cause us anxiety, from time to time, it’s part of being human. I think, part of the art of being human, is finding tools to manage the anxiety that these thoughts can produce. We may need different tools at different times. Each Monday, we will be tooling up!
Good morning everyone,
In last weeks reset we talked about if the unhelpful thoughts you are paying attention to and the behaviours you get into from those thoughts moves you towards or away from who you want to be as a person and what you want from your life.
So let’s build on that a bit today.
Let’s think for a moment about comparing ourselves to others.
Comparison is an evolutionary survival behaviour we learnt back in the day in prehistoric times. Our pool of comparisons was pretty small back then. The pool was the immediate tribe we lived with. It was imperative, in those days, to fit in and be accepted and helpful to the tribe to stay in it and stay alive. Expulsion would mean death at the hands of other humans or wolves or something else! We were not top of the food chain in those days (not all countries=humans being top of the food chain, even today). The humans that were best at monitoring their tribe and how they fitted in, survived. Many survival genes have been passed down to us and express themselves today including the instinct that we act on, to compare.
The problem with that?
Our pool of comparisons is ridiculously big now.
As a 59 year old woman, I could choose 1000 x 25 year old women to compare myself too on social media and the internet 30 seconds. I would look at how firm their skins is, no wrinkles, how even their skin tone is, how firm their necks are. And whilst I could, what would be the point, in 34 years time they could be doing the same thing! Needless to say, it would make me feel pretty shit and miserable. It is all to easy to get hooked into.
What does this mean? misery usually!!! Most of the people we compare ourselves too, we really don’t need to. It is unnecessary and is not going to have any good impact on our life. It is an evolutionary instinct we don’t need to pay attention to, most of the time.
To create balance, there are helpful uses of comparison, of course. But this article is not focussing on those.
If we think about last week’s reset:
What can we do about this? We can question if the comparison we are engaging in right now, moves us towards or away from who you want to be as a person or how you want to live you life? Is this comparison helpful or serving you in any way? Is it necessary?
Then you can develop an awareness of the helpfulness of it and if you want to continue with that comparison. It creates choice, not just following every thought without awareness and torturing ourselves!
It is important to me to make my work accessible to as many as possible and so I currently do not have a paywall. If you found this post or this publication helpful, I would be so honoured if you would consider buying me a coffee. Thank you in advance. I seriously love coffee, mine is an oat, flat white, what is yours?
I hope you have a good week.
With all warm wishes
Jane
Accredited Cognitive Psychotherapist
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT), Mindfulness & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
➡️If you would like to work with me on a 1:1 basis you can contact me at: mail@janewatkinscbt.co.uk
Subscribe now (it is all free at the moment) and join the movement towards healthy self-esteem development, something we can all benefit from, for ourselves and those around us.
I love this because it is not espousing the usual rhetoric about not comparing ourselves to others. It's a goal at best because we are human and we are going to compare. So I love the idea of looking at comparison in context with how it moves us through life. 😊