Monday reset: 28th April 2025
Do you feel heard? The dying skill of listening.
"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place." — George Bernard Shaw
We all experience thoughts that cause us anxiety, from time to time, it’s part of being human. I think, part of the art of being human, is finding tools to manage the anxiety that these thoughts can produce. We may need different tools at different times. Each Monday, we will be tooling up!
Good morning everyone.
There was a week’s break, from me, last week as it was long Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK and I took the rest of the week off as well. But I am back this week!
I have noticed a theme of late, both in my private life and also professionally.
The theme I have personally noticed and also many of my clients are talking about is their experience of: ‘I feel unheard’. It is a distressing and isolating experience.
This is probably worthy of a longer article but for today’s shorter article of the week I am going to try and keep this simple.
What do you notice in terms of who is listening in the picture below, if we assume the woman with her back to us is the one talking? Try not to get distracted by making assumptions that the group might have asked the man to look something up, we are just looking at listening.
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
What told you each person was listening or not listening?
My interpretation is that the guy on his tablet is not listening (two others in group are smiling, he looks serious so he is not mirroring at all, no eye contact, seems to be reading his tablet and so not paying attention), the lady in the denim shirt is listening avidly (body language of eye contact, broad and genuine smile at what is being said, not fiddling or looking down, just engaged) and the lady in glasses appears to be listening (but she is looking down, protecting her face with her hand and also not making any eye contact, body turned away from speaker, seems distracted, bit unclear).
This is just generalised, I am aware that many people cannot make eye contact and feel awkward in social situations, this picture is just a prompt for thought and discussion.
Did you come to the same conclusion?
We use so much body language in the art of listening. And truly listening is a dying art in my experience, sadly.
It is weird isn’t it? We love being listened to. The experience of another human being paying attention to what we are saying. Listening to us like it is the most important thing they have heard today. Listening with their mind and reflecting that in their body language. Can you think of the last experience, you had of this? And then think, how many times did you truly reciprocate that with other people?
It is something that is free, costs us nothing, but a few moments of time. I so often hear, oh I don’t have time to listen. Really?
How many times are we itching to look at our phone, actually looking at our phone, in our own mind with our own stuff, worrying or something else? Have you said, I am listening, I am just checking xyz at the same time? That is not listening. Interrupting the other person or finishing off their sentence, is not listening.
That is not being present with the person in front of us. The little people in our lives often have so much to say, do we listen with both ears? or one ear? they know, just like adults know.
What does not listening tell the other person?
We are all too polite to say anything to each other when we feel ignored. But when you walk away from a conversation when you have not felt heard, how do you feel? Other people feel the same when they experience that too.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
I would love a world world where we take time to listen to what others, whatever age, say to us. To make them feel important. To make them feel special. To feel, for a few moments that someone cares about them and what they have to say. To totally make someone’s day, by simply listening. And it also makes our day too, to see that we have created a moment when we have give someone else the gift of listening and feeling important to another human for a few moments.
Who can you truly listen to today?
Would you buy me a coffee?
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With all kind wishes
Jane
Accredited Cognitive Psychotherapist
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT), Mindfulness & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
➡️If you would like to work with me on a 1:1 basis you can contact me at: mail@janewatkinscbt.co.uk
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