Monday reset : 31st March 2025
Values. Why they can be responsible for making you unhappy.
The author François de la Rochefoucauld wrote, “We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.”
We all experience thoughts that cause us anxiety, from time to time, it’s part of being human. I think, part of the art of being human, is finding tools to manage the anxiety that these thoughts can produce. We may need different tools at different times. Each Monday, we will be tooling up!
Good morning everyone,
We all know we have values. But do we really know what they are and how they work in the intricacy of being human?
This is a conversation I have with all my clients at some point. It is also a constant conversation I have with myself, at the moment.
I think of values as the things that are important to us. The things that are important to us vary from human to human. I have very strong values around kindness, fairness, thoughtfulness, empathy, understanding and treating others in the way I want to be treated.
Another facet (and there are so many) about values is we seek them in return from others. We can become disappointed when we don’t receive them back. We can then question ourselves as to why we don’t receive them back. Is it because of something we did or didn’t do. We can get into terrible spirals over this. I think we have all been in that spiral, more than once.
I work in a big corporate company, part-time. I see it as a necessary evil at the current time. But it compromises many of my values. That is why I find it so difficult and struggle with it a lot of the time. And why so many of my clients find working in big corporate companies so difficult although they are not always aware of why that is until we start talking about it in therapy.
Our wellbeing can spiral when our values are inhibited in situations that are outside of our control. Work can be a large part of our lives. We often have a lot less power in our working lives than other parts, unless we want to get fired! That innate threat in itself, causes us internal wrangles.
Let’s explore this from some general examples.
Maybe we value co-operation within a team that gives each team member recognition. What happens when we find ourselves in a dog eat dog, competitive team. Do we compromise our values and start mirroring the behaviour around us or do we become the silent team member and feel inadequate?
Maybe we value fitness and feeling strong and healthy. It makes us happy and we enjoy the experience of our strong body. If we then get a diagnosis that inhibits our ability to exercise and enjoy our body, it can be devastating. The value we have is compromised by something out of our control. What happens?
A final example, maybe we have always enjoyed being adventurous, going to new places, having no issue with getting on a plane or being spontaneous. Then something happens and we experience anxiety that stops us leaving the house. The thing (value) that is important and gave us joy is out of our reach suddenly. We become unhappy, maybe resentful, angry and depressed.
So why am I going on about this for? If we do find ourselves unhappy or unfulfilled it could be due to a value or values being compromised. Being aware of what your values are, can help give you a clue as to what you may need to look at changing in your life.
It is important to me to make my work accessible to as many as possible and so I currently do not have a paywall (values!). If you found this post or this publication helpful, I would be so honoured if you would consider buying me a coffee. Thank you in advance. I seriously love coffee, mine is an oat, flat white, what is yours?
I hope you have a good week.
With all warm wishes
Jane
Accredited Cognitive Psychotherapist
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT), Mindfulness & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
➡️If you would like to work with me on a 1:1 basis you can contact me at: mail@janewatkinscbt.co.uk
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Thanks for this. I agree that if you are somewhere that doesn't fit with your values - it's a recipe for anxiety and discontent.
I'm enjoying your Substack - it seems like we have. a lot in common. Mine is called Desperately Seeking Wisdom - and it's designed to help people navigate a complex, sometimes frightening, often indifferent but ultimately wonderful world. I hope you will check it out craigoliver.substack.com
What I find the most difficult is how going towards one set of values can be simultaneously going away from another. I like the compassionate reminder that saying yes to something is also saying no to something else. A reminder that we are finite humans and that it's not possible to have everything all at once.